Sirius's Howler
by Silverswaninthemoonlight
Summary: What if, in an alternate timeline It was James who died to protect Harry, causing the Protection charm to bind to Lupin and Sirius, who raised Harry together? What would happen when they learned that in his second year, he had flown a car to school? What kind of howler would they send? Also inspired by a post I saw on ifunny. Please read and review. I own ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!


Harry and Ron were very tired from the previous events of last night. They had been flying the car for nearly half a day, with only the prospect of seeing everybody in the school's expressions of awe and jealousy to keep them going. Then, they had managed to crash into a rather dangerous whomping willow that nearly squashed them to a pulp, they had lost the car to the Forbidden forest, and they never got their well-deserved opportunity of strutting into the Great Hall like heroes, because old Snape caught them and made their lives miserable, herding them away from the feast, making them miss the Sorting. They had both been awarded with detentions and they were the butt of all jokes in Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Was it_ too much_ to **ask** that they could at least enjoy their first breakfast in peace?

Suddenly, a large white owl swooped into the Great Hall, amid all the brown and grey ones, like a heavenly specter. She swooped down on Harry and Ron, and began helping herself to poor Neville Longbottom's porridge, flaring her eyes, and menacingly snapping her beak the moment he made even the feeblest protestation

"Hiya Hedwig" said Harry as he stroked her feathers. She crooned in delight and held out her leg, which had a beautiful scarlet envelope covered in intricate, exquisite designs, tied to it.

"Oh is that a letter from Sirius and Lupin? Clever girl. Did you bring it to me all the way to Hogwarts?"

He looked up and noticed to his puzzlement that everybody else around him was looking horrified.

"What's wrong?'' he asked. Had he said something?

"You-you got a h-h-h-h...a_ howler_" said Ron in a voice, Harry had to strain his ears in order to catch a breath of.

"A _what_?" he asked puzzledly.

"Oh just _please_ _open_ it. It's _ten times _louder and ten times _worse_ if you don't" cried a first year Hufflepuff girl Harry had never once spoken to in his life, passing by.

"It's already starting to _smoke_!" cried a fourth year who bolted for the door.

"You'd better open it. It'll be better if you do" said Hermione in a brisk voice crudely masking fear.

"I ignored one from Gran once...it was horrible" whimpered Neville, clearly still suffering from the still-fresh trauma.

"Guys, it's just a letter from Sirius" asked Harry, feeling less and less confident of his statement with every uttered word .

"Oh for the love of Merlin!" cried a Sixth Year frantically as he ripped it out of Harry's hands and tore it open with the air of a lion gorging on it's kill, before he thrust it back into Harry's hands and joined the Fourth Year in fast pursuit.

Harry stared at the letter quizzically for a second. It was empty. Why on earth would Sirius send him an empty letter? Was this a joke? If it was, then he was going soft. And why was everybody running away from it like it was poisonous-

"HARRY JAMES POTTER"

Harry nearly dropped the letter in shock, while the rest of the Great Hall (including the teachers) jumped back and covered their ears.

"HOW _DARE_ YOU STEAL THAT CAR! I EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU! WHAT _WERE_ YOU THINKING? THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC IS UP OUR BACKSIDES, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE TROUBLE YOU ARE IN? NOT JUST WITH ME AND SIRIUS BUT WITH **THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC ITSELF? _I_ **AM ABSOLUTLEY MORTIFIED! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S TROUSERS WERE YOU THINKING? YOU AND RON COULD HAVE DIED! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN _EXPELLED_ I_ DO_** HOPE** YOU HAVE _SOME VAGUE UNDERSTANDING_ OF WHAT YOU PUT ME AND SIRIUS THROUGH! I NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK. WHEN MOLLY WROTE TO ME SAYING THAT NOT ONLY HAD YOU TWO MISSED THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS, BUT THE CAR WAS MISSING, _TOO_. _WHAT_ SIRIUS AND I WENT THROUGH ALL NIGHT LONG, WORRIED IF YOU'D BEEN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING OR_ SPOTTED BY MUGGLES_!"

Harry cringed. Lupin's usually soft spoken voice had been amplified a thousand times. Hearing it like this was like hearing Snape sing or Hermione say she'd failed a test.

"FLYING A CAR TO SCHOOL! HARRY YOU REALLY ARE YOUR FATHER'S SON! FLYING THE CAR TO SCHOOL. NEVER, IN ALL OUR DAYS OF HOGWARTS HAD WE THOUGHT OF THAT THAT'S PURE GENIUS" This time the head shattering voice was Sirius's.

In spite of himself, Harry started grinning. He always loved it when Sirius compared him to his dad, never mind the fact that it would make his ears hurt for hours afterward. Any pointed out comparison of him to his father was worth it, never mind how much it made his ears ring.

"I'M NOT EVEN MAD! I'M _IMPRESSED! _MERLIN'S BEARD I'M PROUD! MERLIN'S BLOODY-

"SIRIUS _NO_!" Shouted Lupin's voice warningly.

"COME OFF IT REMUS!" Whined Sirius.

"WE'RE SENDING THIS TO _DISSUADE_ HIM FROM PURSUING ANYMORE IDIOTIC MISADVENTURES, NOT _ENCOURAGING_ HIM REMEMBER?"

"OH, COME ON HE'S JUST BEING A KID!"

"SIRIUS, THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN BEING A KID AND ALMOST BREAKING THE INTERNATIONAL STATUTE OF SECRECY!"

"OH COME ON. JAMES WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD!"

"FOR THE LAST TIME SIRIUS, HE. IS. NOT. _JAMES_!"

"I DON'T NEED _YOU_ TO TELL ME WHO HE IS!"  
"YES YOU DO! I HAD TO, BEFORE YOU LET IT GO TOO FAR!"

"BACK IN OUR DAY_, WE'D_ HAVE DONE THE _SAME_!"

"AND HAVE GOTTEN IN THE _SAME T_ROUBLE! AND WE'RE TRYING TO _DISSUADE_ HARRY FROM FOLLOWING IN OUR FOOTSTEPS"

"WHY IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S SAGGY LEFT-"

"STOP TRYING TO MOLD HIM INTO A REPLICA OF JAMES, SIRIUS! IT'S _NOT_ GOING TO HAPPEN!"

"How. **DARE YOU**!"

"WELL IT'S THE TRUTH! SOMEBODY NEEDED TO POINT IT OUT BEFORE IT WENT TOO FAR!"

Harry watched the invisible, eardrum-splitting argument go back and forth, not particularly concerned about the well-bearing of his hearing anymore. The rest of the school was staring in wonder. Nobody had ever sent an argument as a howler before.

"ARE WE _REALLY_ GOING TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT LIKE THIS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HARRY!"

"WAIT A MINUTE, IS THIS ARGUMENT BEING PUT INTO THE HOWLER? BLAST IT SIRIUS I THOUGHT YOU HAD STOPPED IT FIVE MINUTES AGO!"  
"NO, FIVE MINUTES AGO, YOU SHOUTED 'SIRIUS, NO' AT ME AND BECAME A REAL KILLJOY!"

"WELL _**STOP IT**_. HARRY DOESN'T NEED TO BE HEARING THIS CONVERSATION!"

"WELL, THEN WE'LL HAVE TO DESTROY THE WHOLE THING AND START OVER! AND THAT'S A HUGE PAIN IN THE-"

"HEDWIG, NO DON'T MAIL THAT LETTER. NO, WE'RE NOT SENDING IT! HEDWIG, WAIT. COME BACK!"

And the letter burst into flames, prompting Harry to yelp and throw it across from him, where it proceeded to fall onto Neville's lap, causing his robes to catch fire, resulting in his frantic running around the Great Hall with his arms splayed out like spaghetti, until Professor Mcgonnagal calmed him down long enough to perform an _aguamenti_ charm on him.


End file.
